I’m writing raw at this moment. Writing my emotions as I feel them in this moment. Being in Karachi is a complicated thing to explain. Ever heard of feeling alone in a crowd. That’s exactly what it is. This city’s population is probably more than ten times the population of my Canadian city, Calgary. The roars of the public walking by, the cars and the buses, and the busy food streets make you feel alive in this city. The metropolis doesn’t let you sleep. It keeps you awake in the happiest, and most stressful moments. This city is loud. Noise pollution is a part of its personality. This city passes you every day like time. It makes you ponder over the existence of existence. The beauty of human creation. The lives of strange faces that pass by you every day. Question how thankful you are. It does everything to you with nothing.
I don’t quite know if I’ll be able to adapt here.
It feels like home, but often, this home isn’t always sweet. Sometimes, it’s bitter. I don’t mind bitter; I mind how bitter can sometimes plague your soul and take control of your thoughts. The bitter includes the leaches in systems, the disparity, the desensitization, the selfishness, the hustle for life, the pollution and garbage, the crazy competitive lifestyle…it feels like the only ones that survive and thrive are elite. The ones who are better are the ones who adopt western clothing, and good English. It feels weird being the religious one here coming from a non-religious society, pluralistic country like Canada. Different doesn’t always feel as great as it sounds.
Different is subjective.
Experiences define how we feel about being the odd ones, the outcasts, the awkward. I’m not odd because another thinks that way, I’m odd because I feel odd, and I feel others think the same. I feel a constant inferiority because I’ve begun to adopt the bitter aspects of society, maybe I’m conforming too much? But it’s for people I love. Their happiness lives in the reputation of their loved ones. I’m not much of a conformist, but it feels like the biggest lie. Inferior in many ways, I feel insignificant in a crowd of highly achieving people; in grades, economic status, lifestyle, qualifications and much more. I feel like I’ve just stepped on the doorstep of reality. I’ve knocked and realized so much more of what I don’t want to know, face, or see. I liked my comfortable bubble with people who thought and lived like me. Interestingly, it feels unworthy. There’s a pool of anxiety slowly growing in my head, and I fear when this balloon will burst. I’m waiting for a breaking point, but maybe there is none and I’m freaking out for no damn reason. I’m doing well, and not so well at the same time. One moment makes me love living in this metropolis, and the other makes me want to escape this planet, and bury my head under a pillow, somewhere far away from people.
I’ve realized how many other students face this social anxiety with university. Going from a place of familiarity like high school to a new community. It feels alone being on this journey to getting your ‘act together’. Subconsciously, you know no one will solve your life problems except you but sometimes you just feel so tired and wish you didn’t have to push to be a better version of yourself.
Nothing earned comes easy.
We must constantly remind ourselves to keep pushing in those circumstances when we’re an inch close to giving up. But that’s the beauty of it, there’s no bright side you see ahead, but faith keeps pushing you because it’s the belief that there might be a bright side somewhere ahead, that stops you from giving up.
Until next time.
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